Actor, author, podcaster, Soha Ali Khan wears many hats. But the one she saysgrounds her most is being mother to daughter Inaaya. In an Exclusive interview with Sidhi Kapoor forMother’s Day, she opens up about the chaos and calm of modern parenting, whyshe doesn’t engage with trolls, and how her new podcast lets her swap notes withother parents figuring it out, the layers of being a woman and a mother.Motherhood is challenging, exhausting yet beautiful. What’s been somevaluable learnings in this journey?The biggest learning is to be able to separate yourself from your child. You feel asense of oneness with them – from pregnancy till delivery. You have all these hopesand dreams and your own childhood mistakes which you don’t want them to repeat.So, Inaaya is a mix of Kunal and me but she’s her own person. The biggestchallenge is to let go and allow them to be who they are and not what you hope themto be.You and Kunal both come from families where public scrutiny is normal. Whatare some values from your own childhood you’re intentional about passing toInaaya?The world we grew up in was different. There was no social media andphotographers around all the time. Fans used to ask for autographs. People didn’thave mobile phones. The world was not intrusive back then. Today, you don’t knowwhen your privacy is invaded. People are writing and commenting about you.Everything is happening in a public space. It’s unsettling for young minds and evenfor me as a parent. That is a challenge we were spared growing up, and that issomething I am aware of for my own child. One thing: My parents did was not putany pressure – to be in public space, to be an actor. It’s definitely about listening tomy child, helping her identify her strengths and then being the wings beneath her tohelp her achieve those dreams.You look calm, but are you a strict parent?
Soha Ali Khan, Inaaya Naumi and Sharmila Tagore
I am obsessed with bedtime. It was a thing for us growing up. I feel that if mydaughter sleeps for 10 hours, she can deal with the world. It’s important to sleepbefore midnight – for brain development and emotional regulation, too. I tell mydaughter she can have chocolate or a little extra screen time, but bedtime is non-negotiable. Everyone thinks I am crazy, but it’s a battle that I have fought at greatpersonal sacrifice.So, how did your podcast ‘All About Her’ come about?I really enjoy having conversations and I like the non-fiction space. In my mid-40s Ifelt like I was having a lot of expensive conversations with a lot of professionals onskin, hormones, workouts, food, blood tests, supplements and I spent a lot of money.I realized I have access to these amazing professionals. I knew I had to record andshare them with my friends. Later, I thought to post on YouTube and help relevant people. Also, I started it because I love women! Women are phenomenal by virtue ofbeing women!Your podcast ‘All About Her’ has you interviewing everyone from therapists toauthors. Any memorable parenting insights from any guests that actuallystayed with you as a parent?What’s interesting is that all guests were from different walks of life but a lot of themare all mothers. I also interviewed few dads on the podcast. Everyone’s story isdifferent. I chatted with my mother (Sharmila Tagore) and Neetu ji who spoke aboutparenting at their time. There was no social media. Mothers did a lot more. Fatherswere not expressive and held back a lot more. Fathers were stricter in many ways.Then we have the current generation which is reading a lot of books. There’s gentleparenting. Some parents don’t know how to discipline and create boundaries. Somany of these conversations stayed with me.Your podcast feels very candid, but what’s one subject or dilemma you’vefaced that you haven’t put on mic yet because it still feels too raw orunresolved?I want to touch the subject of sports. I want to have some interesting conversationswith women in sports. I want to talk more on finance. Then there’s gender transition,body positivity, pro-ageing – topics I like to discuss and have some heartfeltconversations around.What does “digital wellbeing” look like in your home? Are there phone-freezones, screen-time trades, any house rules that work?I feel you have to be intentional about these things. Technology is a large part of ourlives today. So, I start with myself. I have to keep my phone away but it’s very toughto disconnect. But if I am going to do that then Inaaya will understand that the phonehas so much power. Kids can’t make a distinction whether I am doing work on phonewill not register. She will just see the fact that I am on the phone. Forbidding is notthe answer because then it becomes more enticing. It’s important to explain to themwhy it’s not good for you. And now, she understands that gadgets are not good butit’s still it’s so attractive that how do you make life so interesting without screens. Butthen that’s what we need to teach them. Get bored. Look out of the window. Playwith dolls. Read a book. Play a game. It’s important to figure out what to do in spaceof screen time. The problem is, parents are worried about what kids will do if there’sno screen time! Books are a major part of your parenting…I grew up on books. I used to pick a book and never get bored. I travelled all the timewith my mother (Sharmila Tagore) and never get bored. Inaaya has also picked thathabit. Now I tell her, I will continue to read to her but she must read herself too.Trolling, mom-shaming, “bad mom” comments — How do you handle it all?
I feel my role is not to improve the world. It’s just to improve myself. My sense of self-worth has never come from outside. This is the foundation we need to teach ourchild from an early age. It’s impossible to please everyone. Trollers just like to hate.That cannot affect you. They are strangers, anonymous and it means nothing. Yoursense of self-worth should come from within. I actually read comments on YouTubeand people give healthy criticism and that is good. So you cant live in a vacuum andblock yourself from the world. It’s to engage with the world and have a thick skin soyou can differentiate between positive criticism and hate. Filter out the hate and takeon board what can improve you as a person and your craft.If Inaaya had to describe you as a mom in one line 20 years from now, what areyou hoping for?Inaaya has already described me a mother many times. I hope that she will say that Iwas kind, I was a good listener and that I did not finish her sentences for her. I usedto in the past. Now, I want her to complete her thought for as long as it takes. I wanther to say what she wants to say.The article has been written by Sidhi Kapoor. She is a seasoned journalist with an experience of over 20 years. She is a hard core Bollywood fan and loves everything filmy and dramatic!